still alive

yes i am still alive.. the only reason why i have not been updating is that there are so many things happening the last one month odd that i dont know how to even blog abt it..

this strange feeling is like a fragile bubble… my world currently is like a bubble. pretty and perfect but will just pop any time. scary.. it really scares me..

been talking to my mentor alot.. about life, work and interpersonal relationship.. many things that i dont wanna face and dont wanna know, i am getting it right now..

too many.. too tired.. too scared to push anything..

i am just over stretched..

~samantha~

scary but true…

i am just trying to change the world, one student at a time. thats my reason for existence from now on..

~samantha~

Perfect moments

have you had anyone whom does not know much of you but for some reason, seem to be able to tell you what you needed to hear? not what you WANTED to hear but more of what you NEEDED to hear.

and how about the times that you open the Bible or the daily devotion and it was something you needed to know?

kept having all these things for the last month or so.. the crazy roller coaster ride of life the last 3 months left me jaded, doubtful, disappointed and mainly angry at everything. the only things keeping me sane is all these little things..

December 27, 2009
Good Riddance!
READ: 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
My grace is sufficient for you. —2 Corinthians 12:9

A shredder ate hundreds of pieces of paper and other items in New York City on December 28 last year. Organizers of the second annual “Good Riddance Day” encouraged people to bring to Times Square their bad memories and suffering of 2008 and feed them into the industrial-strength shredder or toss them into an extra-large dumpster.

Some participants shredded pieces of paper with the words “the stock market” or “cancer.” Others destroyed bank statements, and one person shredded a printed e-mail from a boyfriend who broke up with her.

We long to “shred” memories of bad things that others have done to us or difficult circumstances we’re going through. The apostle Paul wanted relief from his present suffering, an infirmity that made him feel weak (2 Cor. 12:7-10). But God said to him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” God didn’t take away the problem. Instead, He gave Paul the grace to live with it.

Difficulties burden us as we mull them over in our minds, affecting our relationships and our outlook on life. We as believers in Christ have a place to take these burdens. First Peter 5:7 tells us, “[Cast] all your care upon [the Lord], for He cares for you.” — Anne Cetas

Whenever life’s burdens oppress you
And trials seem too much to face,
Remember God’s strength in your weakness;
He’ll give you His power and grace. —Sper

God gives enough grace for whatever we face.

just what i needed for the day…. =]

yeah.. i am alright.. for now…

~samantha~

Updates!

I have no idea who are the 20 over people who checks this page daily. =/

Those who bothered to click on this site, wasting a few second of their life, looking for updates and find that there is none.

The last time I wrote anything here, many smses, calls and emails asking what happened and to check if I am alright.

I guess I am currently now in the process of moving on. Although I still shoot myself in the foot like every few days, I am moving, if not on, at least somewhere.

The year is finally coming to an end. Looking back I realized many many many things happened. And not the small stuff. More of the BIG things. Life changing decisions.

A change of job
Was doing something I do well naturally, a job that generate a lot of income, meeting different people, talking to influential people from organizations and having great great people working with you. But sadly, I hated the underlying things I had to do like white lies, deception, and covering.

Took a huge paycut, went to the AEDs, became a government/ public servant (literally), got a great boss with a rebellious streak like me (change the world! One student at a time), fulfilled my childhood dream of being an educator, teaching and imparting knowledge I LOVEEEEee soso deeply (photography), touching life of students, got a bunch of crazy classmates from NIE who are soso sweet! And now, looking forward and moving on..

The waves in spiritual life
A great leap of faith, explosive peak in spiritual life at the beginning of the year that lasted till mid-year, and the self-doubt and rejection by people I trusted, and the crash of spiritual faith. Detested and hated God for creating me, back slided for a while, and starting to seek out God again, trying to convince myself that there is more to life and that my Father in heaven has something planned for my screwed up life. And now, moving on..

Music
It is really a place I escape to.. a place I hide from the realities of the real world. A place where I am myself and a place I can cry and laugh like a child.. more classes coming up but there is just this huge nagging feeling..

Nagging feeling..
It’s been 2 years since I said I wanna got into a full time ministry. 2 years of looking ard and getting to know people in this area.. I still have 3 years to go before I make my final choice. Plunge in or to wait another 3 years. But these few months really made me rethink about Christian workers. All due respect, I know of MANY who really loves God and loves people. I myself have been crazily loved by many. S2S, kimmy, ryan, just to name a few.. all from different organizations, all from different back grounds and countries. But one thing in common that they tell or show me is that, it is a brutal world in this field. Mistakes are not tolerated. And you are constantly watched, monitored, judged by YOUR OWN people.

Even I get that a lot now a days and I am not even from the organization.. it scares me… getting in with a heart and passion for Christ and being born again is starting to look like a first class BS to me.. and it is really starting to gnaw at my soul. Trying to convince myself that we are all humans and this is human nature.

Trying not to be affected by all these discouragement. Trying to look for someone, anyone, for support in going this direction. That quitting my high paying job and having more time to equip myself for this road is all worth it.. I have already place too much on the line. I have already thrown away a comfortable future. Trusting God as I take leap by leap in the dark. Facing all these accusing eyes filled with hate that I really don’t understand. All I can do is pray for strength to walk to the battlefield of ministry and hope that by the time I reach there, the people attacking me are not my colleagues standing at the same line.

This has been in my mind every single day for the last 2 years. All I can hear now is “wait”. But for how long? I really don’t know. Then God was silent..

As the year draws to a close, I wonder.. how can anyone take so much shit and still be alive? What have I done? Whats the reason for living when God turns silent? I don’t know anymore…

I just wanna be happy… even if it means being alone… even if it means shutting all doors… even if it means… leaving..

~sam~

on the brink of giving it all up…

have you had the feeling that you are truly alone? lonely is just a sad feeling. but alone is emptiness. knowing that you have other humans around you but you live in a bubble, cut off from everyone.

you try to touch them but you cant. you try to pick things up, you cant. you crave for a human touch to indicate that you are alive but there isnt. no matter how hard you try to connect, and no matter how hard others tried to connect, nothing works.

everyone tries to understand. i am thankful. but at the same time, i am so piss that people assume. i am not an “easy to read” kinda person. i know how to hide and confuse people. so much so that i can even fool a psychiatrist and my mom.

i cant deny that much has happened this year. from the vow i made to myself that i will quit my job to be a full time ministry worker and leave spore, to now that i attempt to reject heaven and prayed to the devil with the crazy intention to reduce someone elses pain. someone whom i thought was worth it.. some one whom i felt was more important then my life. i never regretted trading my smile for his and my future happiness for his. but a sudden realization made me realize that my happiness is not worth his happiness. and my smile, not worth his smile. it’s like paying for stuff with monopoly money. what ever i have is not worth anything. and nothing helps.. i am just the wrong girl with no position and rights to. the only thing i can do is to send him to his lover. someone with full rights to comfort him and be with him.. but even that dont work.. i dont know what to do anymore.

once again, i am alone. when Jesus died on the cross, God turn away. but when i prayed to the devil and gave up heaven, i felt God leave. i felt the full blown of disown-ment. i felt the holy spirit leave my soul. i felt the devil taking my heart away, enclosing me in a bubble and cutting all connections to God and all that he created. it’s like.. calling a friend and he did not pick up… but for me, it is more like calling a friend and not even hearing the dial tone.

desperate. who is going to love me now? currently in the situation where heaven rejects me and hell shut it’s doors on me. who is going to be there now?

Desperate

I need you
Near me now
I never knew
Just how…

you’re a part of me in all i am..
never been more in the dark
never been this scared
never was so uncertain of what to do or speak
never been so alone..
never been without you..
never had more than i could keep

and what i need now
is someone like you.
cant believe i didnt look u up
even before i knew
how u have waited for me
i know now
and i..

im desperate im calling out ur name(can u hear me)
im faling i cant feel ur flame, its so cold and i..
i wanna go home
wanna feel ur arms around me(can u hear me.. save me..)

so afraid
with who i am
i need your strength
to live again

I put my hand in Yours,
you fill me up. (fill me up)
I know You’ll always be there,
You’re more than enough

someone.. where are you? God… where are you? i dont wanna be alone… can you hear me? i am sorry.. i have nothing else to give.. will you still love me?

~sam~

songs that tell how i feel…

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion’s gone away
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You’re faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life’s been way off line
You’re falling to pieces every time
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

Because you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

You had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don’t lie
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
You had a bad day

(Oooh.. a holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I’m not wrong

(yeah…)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You’ve seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

first heard them on 93.8…

if you are talking about orgasmic music, this is it…

 

*lost for words*

~samantha~

SAM WANTS THE DVD/CD/ VCD/ MP3 or WHAT EVER I CAN GET FROM THEM!!!!

Thats all i felt today… Painful.. as i curled up at the bathroom floor.

water, mixed with tears, mixed with blood, down the drain.. where i belong anyways.

nothing new.. nothing new…

 

pls God, end this pathetic life quick.. pls end it before i lose all sanity..

 

~samantha~

too far gone…

 

news

bad news? good news? i dont even know how to deal with this.. and as usual, i am alone facing this.. and as usual, by choice…

~sam~

hello world… this is samantha…

“Take care of yourself sam! Take care of yourself please!”

 

That’s what I hear almost on a daily basis coming out from different people’s mouth.

 

Sometimes it really makes me wonder, am I really not taking care of myself enough? What have I been doing with all my time? What am I doing exactly? Going to the doctors scare me more then anything else.

 

Running away from almost everything and everyone, putting on a front and being the clown and joy of where ever I go. Dreading when I wake up each day, dreading to go out to meet friends, dreading to go to church, dreading to go to school, dreading to go for rehearsals, dreading to even go out for coffee.

 

Feeling so tired and drained ALL THE TIME. Especially after the end of each day. After all the clowning and entertaining. All the laughter and making sure everyone is all right.

 

I have an intense fear of clowns.  Not only cos they look freaky and scary, but also due to the fact that I feel very like a clown. So similar that it frightens me. Uncanny resemblance.

 

I dragged my body to church today, alone, tired, faithless, and soulless. Holding back tears during worship, as I raised my hands to the heavens, I saw a vision.

 

A small thin girl, with long black hair, sprawled in the corner of a dark room. With huge saucer eyes filled with hurt, sadness, pain, anger and confusion, reaching out with her trembling stick thin hands. Reaching with hands above her head. Barely able to crawl and teeth clenched, she looked at me with her piercing eyes.

 

A split second vision. I was knocked back. Knocked the breath out of me. Then I realized. That little girl was me. That was Samantha. The girl I always am and the girl I never showed. The girl I always ran away from.

 

Desperation. Lost count of the number of time my brain screamed for help throughout service today. Help…

 

~samantha~

 

How could Danielle be so perfect and Samantha be so messed up?